Without You, Jack
by Angel of Music lover
Summary: Kate realizes that the world around her doesn't change whether or not she's dying inside. A Jate songfic!


**A/N: I know, it's been forever since I've written something new concerning LOST… but I've been rewatching some Season 2 episodes and it put me in the mood to… yes Hersheygal thank you for providing said episodes… lol! Anyway, this is obviously Jate (not Skate… sorry but I have to stick to my original pairings… lol!) Anyway, this is yet another songfic with a RENT song… :D Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own LOST or the song Without You… not to mention RENT… :D**

_Without You_

_Without you the ground thaws. The rain falls. The grass grows. _

Kate glanced nervously over to where she knew Jack would be… he always came out of the hatch at this time for some fresh air. She knew that what she did yesterday was the absolute worse thing she could do to Jack, kiss him like that and then just run away without a word of explanation! But she had been lost yesterday… so confused and wound so tight a coiled spring would be green with envy.

There he was… coming out of the hatch as if nothing were wrong. His face was void from all expression and his footsteps even and steady. Somehow this hurt Kate even more… knowing that what she did meant absolutely nothing to him.

_Without you the seeds root. The flowers bloom. The children play. _

Kate knew that it was ridiculous to think such a thing… she knew that Jack hid emotions as if he were a professional actor. But still it seemed to help to think such things about Jack so that the pressure wouldn't be on herself.

"_Why should it hurt me if it meant nothing to him?"_ Kate asked herself suddenly. _"It was just a kiss that I gave when I was completely distraught… it meant nothing to me either!"_ If she were back at home she could probably dismiss such an event as too much alcohol or some other valid excuse like that. _"You know that excuse is really silly!" _Kate scolded somewhere deep in her mind. _"It's a common fact that alcohol doesn't make you say things or do something that you disagreed with! Alcohol simply makes you unaware enough to know that you're saying them! You'll have to try harder to convince me otherwise."_

Kate swallowed something large in the back of her throat and closed her eyes, eagerly awaiting the blissful dark.

_The stars gleam. The poets dream. The eagles fly… without you. The Earth turns. The sun burns. _

Kate looked up towards the sky and smiled against the warmth she felt from the sun. It was always a pleasure of hers, to close her eyes and therefore be in total darkness and then turn her face to the sky to feel the warmth. She didn't know why she enjoyed it so much… maybe it was comforting to know that even in utter black there is always some means of warmth.

Suddenly the thought didn't comfort Kate at all and she willed her eyes to fly open as quickly as possible.

"Sawyer," she whispered to herself, she wanted to think about Sawyer now. He had gotten well again, just the other day after her complete failure with Jack. "Damn," Kate hissed softly. She couldn't even think about Sawyer now without it being connected to Jack. And she couldn't think about Jack without it being connected to Sawyer. With a heavy sigh Kate made little squiggly lines in the sand with her toes… loving the scratchy grains that got caught between toes. Suddenly without warning Kate felt she was going to cry… again. She wanted to weep unlimitedly into her arms and she didn't even know why.

_But I die without you. _

Taking a deep breath Kate tried to bottle up her emotions. It wouldn't do to cry like this when Jack was present.

_Without you the breeze warms. The girl smiles. The clouds move. Without you the tides change. The boys run. The oceans crash. _

Kate smiled back the tears as she tuned into the waves before her, gently lulling her pain away with each movement. Breathing in time to the ocean Kate finally felt herself relaxing, the salty air mixing with her breath and tickling her nose. It was a long overdue moment of utter peace and relaxation for Kate and for the first time she realized what all those people who preached about mediation being good for the body were all about. It made sense and she decided that mediation would become a part of her daily life on the island. This was supposed to be her new life and she wasn't going to screw it up anymore than she already had.

_The crowds roar. The days soar. The babies cry without you. _

Suddenly Kate's calmness was interrupted by the loud wailing of a baby, Aaron. Kate spun her head around to make sure that nothing was wrong in Claire's tent and smiled in relief when it turned out that the baby was just hungry. Kate smiled a true smile when she saw both Claire and Charlie rush over to the baby's side, gently cooing for him to be quiet and that "mummy will get your bottle soon so please stop screeching!" That was Charlie speaking of course, you couldn't miss that heavy British accent. Kate watched on in amusement as the two played mom and dad to the baby and instantly had to remind herself that they weren't really 'mom and dad'. Sometimes they seemed so much like a married couple that it was hard to remember that they really weren't. Kate was jealous.

_The moon glows. The river flows. But I die without you. _

Kate felt her previous depression return and she turned moodily away from the couple, staring once more blankly into the ocean.

_The world revives. Colors renew. But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue. Within me blue…without you. _

Jack stared off at Kate discreetly, wondering what she was thinking. She looked so sad… rather down in the dumps as his mother would say. He cocked his head to one side, wondering what she was thinking about and again the hurt flooded into him. Jack just couldn't understand what would make Kate do something like that to him… or to herself.

He shouldn't have kissed her back… she was obviously an emotional wreck and was clearly just looking for some means of comfort. Jack knew he shouldn't have put himself out there like that because it made the whole situation for the both of them awkward. Yet he couldn't help but wish that the kiss actually meant something to her… that it wasn't just an act of desperation.

_Without you, the hand gropes. The ear hears. The pulse beats. _

Kate felt sudden anger sweep through her body. Why was it that everyone around her seemed to go about their normal business so cheerfully when it was so obvious the world was ending?

Sun was attending to her garden with a happy little song beginning on her lips and Claire and Charlie were happily feeding Aaron. Bernard and Rose were working together on peeling some fruit while Hurley and Libby were talking cheerfully to each other along the beach. Eko and Ana were in some kind of heated discussion and somewhere in that hatch Locke would be working on another Crossword Puzzle as he waited for the time when he would push the button. Sawyer was probably out experiencing the world again while Kate sat here waiting for the sky to fall around all of their smiling faces.

Then she realized that it was only the end of the world for her… the end of the world for only her.

_Without you, the eyes gaze. The legs walk. The lungs breath. _

Jack continued to look at Kate with his conflicting emotions waging war inside of him. He wasn't sure if he should be incredibly upset or unbelievably angry with her for all she had caused him. Why not long ago they had been on the golf course flirting and making easy conversation and now this giant catastrophe fell down on their slowly budding relationship. Yes, everyone thought it would happen including Jack and maybe even Kate but now…

Jack wished he had just let her run away the first time… let her run until her troubles had been sorted out. Hadn't he always solved his problems by running up and down that blasted stadium… up and down and up and down over and over again while he brooded over broken promises and lives lost because of his mistakes?

Jack absently wiped away a bit of sweat that was gathering at his forehead and dimly wondered if Locke expected him back by now. He probably did, Jack didn't want another lecture about how the button was all important and that Jack should take it more seriously. Locke's face would be lined in annoyance and irritation and would once more remind Jack of his own father when Jack did something wrong. He almost went up to the hatch and forget temporarily about Kate as the seconds went by in agonizing slow motion. But he didn't. Instead he waited as he saw Kate hesitantly approach him.

_The mind churns! _

Kate saw Jack looking at her with pain written across his face and she knew what she needed to do. Her head and her heart swam with thoughts and emotions. It was her brain's job to tell her what she was supposed to say but it was her heart's to plot out what she would be feeling. Kate took another deep breath and slowly walked towards Jack, hoping he would hear her out.

_The mind churns! _

Jack saw the brief fear flicker across Kate's face as if it were a shadow cast by a flickering candle. In an instant the emotion was gone and it didn't even appear as if it had ever been there. This worried Jack for some reason.

_The heart yearns!_

Kate felt her heart beating wildly in her chest and Jack's steady gaze didn't help matters get any better. Her legs felt weak but they still urged her to turn around and run as hard as she could down the opposite side of the beach. And for a moment she almost did… and she would have if she didn't know that she had to face her problems eventually.

_The heart yearns!_

Despite Jack's betrayed emotions he still felt his heart tug as he gazed at her walking towards him. Kate always seemed to do that and he cursed her endlessly for it. Suddenly the beating sun increased ten times in heat, dulling his senses and his wits.

_The heart yearns! _

The two finally came level with one another, staring awkwardly for a time as the seconds ticked by.

_The tears dry without you. Life goes on…_

Kate tried several times to think of what she wanted to say but her mind drew up blanks.

"Hi Jack," she finally said dumbly. She cursed herself for how idiotic it must have seemed to Jack, who always was under control. Jack who almost always knew exactly what he was doing. Jack who didn't seem to give a damn at the moment if a giant shark washed up on the beach and ate her slowly in front of him.

"Kate," was Jack's reply. Simple and to the point. He felt another wound strike his heart at Kate's formal greeting… it seemed as if her tone suggested that she was afraid to be talking to him. Her eyes seemed emotionless and Jack felt his heart slowly icing over the part that recently belonged to her.

"I…" Kate began but fell silent. Jack raised his eyebrows as if impatient though really he longed for the words she would say. Those words would determine if things could go back to normal or not… would determine what he thought of her. "I…" Kate tried again but fell silent again.

"Is there something you wanted to say Kate because I've got a lot of patients to attend to," Jack finally said to fill the empty silence. Kate looked up at him sadly and shook her head no, muttering something about how she just wanted some water. Jack watched her push past him and after a moment walked back towards the hatch.

_But I'm gone! 'Cause I die without you. _

. _Without you. _

Kate cursed herself for sounding so stupid

_Without you. _

Jack mentally slapped himself for coming across so cold.

_Without you. _

Kate wished she could beat herself in the head with a rock to block the memory from her mind.

_Without you…_

Jack felt awful about lying to her about patients… he was actually having a slow doctor day and now he wished he had some laughing gas to ease the pain.

_Without you…_

**A/N: Well there you have it… a nice angst ridden songfic concerning Jack and Kate. Please review and let me know what you though:D**


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